On: Fasting & Failure
I am a classic good girl. For as long as I can remember I have been a rule follower. I have struggles, but have become very good at hiding them, mostly because since entering into marriage, it's mostly been my husband who has had issues. (sarcasm) My identity has always been found in the things I could do well for myself, others, and God. I desire to be strong, and good, and I have put my hope in the fact that these things would keep me from trouble and hurt. For about 24 years, they worked really well for me. The last three years have been an unravelling of the depths of my heart and mind of why I do the things I do.
What I have been discovering mostly is that I am afraid to disappoint God because I don't want to receive judgement. If I do everything right then He has no reason to judge me, discipline me or punish me- and life will be grand. This has been an exhausting journey, because trying to be right all the time is HARD WORK.
The past couple months have been excruciatingly hard for me. I've wanted someone to blame, but realized that the only person I have control over is myself. The only person who I can change is me. Therefore, I have been really trying to rest at the feet of Jesus and wait for Him to reveal His heart to me.
Last weekend I attended the IF gathering with a dear friend and I received what I had come for, just in a much different way than I had expected. I heard from wise women about their journey of being a woman of God, and how each journey is different. I was challenged. I cried many tears, and even felt the Holy Spirit moving in me to do something I had never done before: Fasting.
A woman who translates the bible into different languages in the Philippines shared how she wanted God to show up in big ways for her ministry since bible translation is very expensive and trying.
She said she felt the Lord telling her to fast. So every time she wanted to eat, she would instead stop and pray for her ministry. She didn't speak much on the details of what she consumed or didn't consume, but simply said she fasted.
It was as if a lightbulb went off in my mind, and I don't remember much of what she said after that because I was so fixated on the fact that I needed to move forward with fasting.
The problem is I LOVE FOOD. FOOD IS MY THING. FOOD IS MY FRIEND.
Food is what I run to when I am happy, sad, lonely, afraid, bored- you name it, I've done it.
No wonder the lightbulb went off in this department. Fasting was going to be really hard for me.
I started praying gently over it. "Lord, what will I fast from? How long? For what purpose?"
So many questions, I was sure I was not going to get the answer. So I boarded my plane from Texas back home to California assured that since I had no clue what I was doing, God surely would not ask me to really do it.
I'm sure we were somewhere still over Texas (because Lord knows you can be in the air for two hours and still be in that state) when I opened my bible for my daily reading. Due to the nature of the conference I had missed a few days, and since we would be in the air for so long I decided that I would catch up on the days that I had missed.
And wouldn't you know it? BOOM - Exodus: the Israelites: the wilderness: God speaking to Moses: the rebellion: ALL of the things.
But what stuck out was this. 40 years in the wilderness. Manna at dawn, Meat at dusk. (Exodus 16)
Lord knows I wasn't going to fast for 40 years, so I assumed He was leading me to fast for 40 days... like Jesus in the wilderness. Trying to be like Jesus was the point of this anyways, right? 40 days of fasting: bread (whole grain Dave's Killer bread:SO GOOD) in the morning and a piece of meat at night. I read it multiple times over and kept asking "Lord? This? 40 days? I can't do that. Again: I LOVE FOOD. You know that Lord, you made me. Hello?!"
I got off the plane with simple conviction: fasting for 40 days with the purpose of praying for healing in my life, redemption in my marriage and learning to forgive myself, and those who have hurt me.
40 days from February 6, is March 17 which is the women's gathering at our church. It all lined up, I thought! How perfect! This must be from the Lord.
I shared with my husband, community group, and a few close friends asking for prayer for me to truly dive into God's word and pray every time I felt hunger.
The first three days were awful. Not in the hunger sense, but the energy sense. It would be 2pm and I would be strugglin' for energy. By 4pm I would crawl up my stairs to my bed and take a nap before whatever I had for the evening. Jonny would make me chicken and I would feel like a new woman after a 2 hour nap. However that was not going to work, I needed some form of energy. So I began looking into all these no calorie energy drinks - ya know... the kind all these athlete women who look like the Hulk take. I couldn't jive with them. I also wasn't exactly hungry because I was completely stopped up and had 3 days worth of bread and chicken in my stomach. I was def having some gastro intestinal issues. I will leave it at that, but it was pretty bad.
5 days went by... bread in the morning and meat at dinner. My good girl rules would not let me break my fast, and I believe that those 5 days are the most disciplined I have ever been with food in my life.
Friday night, in tears I realized that my prayers weren't about the Lord satisfying my hunger: my prayers were asking God to help this poor woman poop. (sorry TMI) you can stop reading now if you'd like, but I promise it gets better.
I sat at a marriage event at our church on Friday night where they served meat lasagna and picked out the 5 pieces of meat that were inside all the gooey delicious cheese, still praying for a miracle in my tummy, (and I don't mean a baby). In that chair listening to our pastor and his wife share about their marriage, I felt some sort of weight lifted off my shoulders. I suddenly felt released from trying SO HARD. The last three years, well the last 27 to be honest, have been all about trying, working, striving; being the good girl. My status was completely based on my ability to perform well. Nothing about the grace of Jesus, and the whole reason for the cross. I felt the Lord's compassion sweep over my body and release me from my fast. Release me from trying so hard to please Him, trying, trying trying.
However I sat there and wrestled because if I quit, then I am a failure, and everyone will know- so I can't end my fast. I can't be released from this, I HAVE TO FINISH. I MUST KEEP TRYING.
What will my community group think of me? What will my husband think of me? Jesus did I hear you wrong? Was I not supposed to fast? What's happening? All the peace I had about being released from my fast and feeling the loving compassion of Jesus was gone, and FEAR & FAILURE set in.
So I wrestled: I should have a six pack based on my ability to wrestle with the Lord. But I don't- so there's that. Yet, I couldn't let go of the two different convictions I had. The first being on Sunday to begin a 40 day fast which began on Monday and lasted until Friday. The second on Friday of the release I felt from the Holy Spirit from this fast; trying to impress Him. Trying to show Him, I CAN DO IT. I can choose Him over my food cravings. I can DO THIS.
The reality is, I can't. I can't do much on my own very well. I need Jesus to flow into every part of my heart, mind and body and fill it with himself. I am hot mess without him. Just ask Jonny about the chicken broth, that fell out of the cabinets and all over the kitchen floor on Wednesday morning.
Early Saturday morning around 4am I woke up with intense hunger pains for the first time all week.
As I lay in the fetal position asking the Lord to sustain me until morning came, I felt His Spirit say "My child, continuing or ending this fast will not increase or decrease my love for you." That was all I needed.
My pastor's wife Becca shared some thoughts that impacted me over coffee on Saturday morning regarding my different convictions, fears and failures. She said something to the effect of "Kelly, if you would have finished the fast, it would have been on your terms, and your strength. Allowing yourself to end it early, allows God's grace to flow freely into the areas of your life where you need Him to heal you of your rightness, and doing things the right way."
I don't know if I am communicating the FREEDOM that came when I felt the Lord release me from trying to please Him according to my own strength. Now, I'm not saying that God doesn't want us to live lives that are pleasing to Him. He tells us in His word, to be perfect as His Father in Heaven is perfect. (Matthew 5:48) I don't pretend to know the theological depth to that verse, but I'm pretty sure He wants us to strive for holiness. I, however, had exchanged His holiness for my attempt at perfection, and I was exhausted.
Our marriage counselor shared with me on Monday that God is honored in our pursuit of Him. He is honored that I obey Him, and if I don't last the full 40 days, He won't love me any less. My good girl status, my worship leading, my determination to make my marriage work cannot and will not make God love me any more. He cannot love me any more or any less, and the freedom of discovering that is one of the most beautiful things I have ever felt.
It only took a week for me to get what He was trying to communicate to me, and thank God because the lunch I had at yard house today was so delicious. But let's be real, it's honestly taken 27 years to get me to realize that there is absolutely nothing I can do- no sin too great- that will make Him love me less, and there is nothing so fabulous I could do that will make Him love me more. I am His child, His beloved daughter who He fashioned and formed in His image, and the freedom that I have found the last few days of knowing that is absolutely breathtaking.
If you yourself haven't experienced that peace, know that you can. Just ask Him to show up, He always does, whether its 5 days, 40 days or 27 years.
Cheers to fasting and failure, because in both those things, I have found the most astounding and ravishing grace.
What I have been discovering mostly is that I am afraid to disappoint God because I don't want to receive judgement. If I do everything right then He has no reason to judge me, discipline me or punish me- and life will be grand. This has been an exhausting journey, because trying to be right all the time is HARD WORK.
The past couple months have been excruciatingly hard for me. I've wanted someone to blame, but realized that the only person I have control over is myself. The only person who I can change is me. Therefore, I have been really trying to rest at the feet of Jesus and wait for Him to reveal His heart to me.
Last weekend I attended the IF gathering with a dear friend and I received what I had come for, just in a much different way than I had expected. I heard from wise women about their journey of being a woman of God, and how each journey is different. I was challenged. I cried many tears, and even felt the Holy Spirit moving in me to do something I had never done before: Fasting.
A woman who translates the bible into different languages in the Philippines shared how she wanted God to show up in big ways for her ministry since bible translation is very expensive and trying.
She said she felt the Lord telling her to fast. So every time she wanted to eat, she would instead stop and pray for her ministry. She didn't speak much on the details of what she consumed or didn't consume, but simply said she fasted.
It was as if a lightbulb went off in my mind, and I don't remember much of what she said after that because I was so fixated on the fact that I needed to move forward with fasting.
The problem is I LOVE FOOD. FOOD IS MY THING. FOOD IS MY FRIEND.
Food is what I run to when I am happy, sad, lonely, afraid, bored- you name it, I've done it.
No wonder the lightbulb went off in this department. Fasting was going to be really hard for me.
I started praying gently over it. "Lord, what will I fast from? How long? For what purpose?"
So many questions, I was sure I was not going to get the answer. So I boarded my plane from Texas back home to California assured that since I had no clue what I was doing, God surely would not ask me to really do it.
I'm sure we were somewhere still over Texas (because Lord knows you can be in the air for two hours and still be in that state) when I opened my bible for my daily reading. Due to the nature of the conference I had missed a few days, and since we would be in the air for so long I decided that I would catch up on the days that I had missed.
And wouldn't you know it? BOOM - Exodus: the Israelites: the wilderness: God speaking to Moses: the rebellion: ALL of the things.
But what stuck out was this. 40 years in the wilderness. Manna at dawn, Meat at dusk. (Exodus 16)
Lord knows I wasn't going to fast for 40 years, so I assumed He was leading me to fast for 40 days... like Jesus in the wilderness. Trying to be like Jesus was the point of this anyways, right? 40 days of fasting: bread (whole grain Dave's Killer bread:SO GOOD) in the morning and a piece of meat at night. I read it multiple times over and kept asking "Lord? This? 40 days? I can't do that. Again: I LOVE FOOD. You know that Lord, you made me. Hello?!"
I got off the plane with simple conviction: fasting for 40 days with the purpose of praying for healing in my life, redemption in my marriage and learning to forgive myself, and those who have hurt me.
40 days from February 6, is March 17 which is the women's gathering at our church. It all lined up, I thought! How perfect! This must be from the Lord.
I shared with my husband, community group, and a few close friends asking for prayer for me to truly dive into God's word and pray every time I felt hunger.
The first three days were awful. Not in the hunger sense, but the energy sense. It would be 2pm and I would be strugglin' for energy. By 4pm I would crawl up my stairs to my bed and take a nap before whatever I had for the evening. Jonny would make me chicken and I would feel like a new woman after a 2 hour nap. However that was not going to work, I needed some form of energy. So I began looking into all these no calorie energy drinks - ya know... the kind all these athlete women who look like the Hulk take. I couldn't jive with them. I also wasn't exactly hungry because I was completely stopped up and had 3 days worth of bread and chicken in my stomach. I was def having some gastro intestinal issues. I will leave it at that, but it was pretty bad.
5 days went by... bread in the morning and meat at dinner. My good girl rules would not let me break my fast, and I believe that those 5 days are the most disciplined I have ever been with food in my life.
Friday night, in tears I realized that my prayers weren't about the Lord satisfying my hunger: my prayers were asking God to help this poor woman poop. (sorry TMI) you can stop reading now if you'd like, but I promise it gets better.
I sat at a marriage event at our church on Friday night where they served meat lasagna and picked out the 5 pieces of meat that were inside all the gooey delicious cheese, still praying for a miracle in my tummy, (and I don't mean a baby). In that chair listening to our pastor and his wife share about their marriage, I felt some sort of weight lifted off my shoulders. I suddenly felt released from trying SO HARD. The last three years, well the last 27 to be honest, have been all about trying, working, striving; being the good girl. My status was completely based on my ability to perform well. Nothing about the grace of Jesus, and the whole reason for the cross. I felt the Lord's compassion sweep over my body and release me from my fast. Release me from trying so hard to please Him, trying, trying trying.
However I sat there and wrestled because if I quit, then I am a failure, and everyone will know- so I can't end my fast. I can't be released from this, I HAVE TO FINISH. I MUST KEEP TRYING.
What will my community group think of me? What will my husband think of me? Jesus did I hear you wrong? Was I not supposed to fast? What's happening? All the peace I had about being released from my fast and feeling the loving compassion of Jesus was gone, and FEAR & FAILURE set in.
So I wrestled: I should have a six pack based on my ability to wrestle with the Lord. But I don't- so there's that. Yet, I couldn't let go of the two different convictions I had. The first being on Sunday to begin a 40 day fast which began on Monday and lasted until Friday. The second on Friday of the release I felt from the Holy Spirit from this fast; trying to impress Him. Trying to show Him, I CAN DO IT. I can choose Him over my food cravings. I can DO THIS.
The reality is, I can't. I can't do much on my own very well. I need Jesus to flow into every part of my heart, mind and body and fill it with himself. I am hot mess without him. Just ask Jonny about the chicken broth, that fell out of the cabinets and all over the kitchen floor on Wednesday morning.
Early Saturday morning around 4am I woke up with intense hunger pains for the first time all week.
As I lay in the fetal position asking the Lord to sustain me until morning came, I felt His Spirit say "My child, continuing or ending this fast will not increase or decrease my love for you." That was all I needed.
My pastor's wife Becca shared some thoughts that impacted me over coffee on Saturday morning regarding my different convictions, fears and failures. She said something to the effect of "Kelly, if you would have finished the fast, it would have been on your terms, and your strength. Allowing yourself to end it early, allows God's grace to flow freely into the areas of your life where you need Him to heal you of your rightness, and doing things the right way."
I don't know if I am communicating the FREEDOM that came when I felt the Lord release me from trying to please Him according to my own strength. Now, I'm not saying that God doesn't want us to live lives that are pleasing to Him. He tells us in His word, to be perfect as His Father in Heaven is perfect. (Matthew 5:48) I don't pretend to know the theological depth to that verse, but I'm pretty sure He wants us to strive for holiness. I, however, had exchanged His holiness for my attempt at perfection, and I was exhausted.
Our marriage counselor shared with me on Monday that God is honored in our pursuit of Him. He is honored that I obey Him, and if I don't last the full 40 days, He won't love me any less. My good girl status, my worship leading, my determination to make my marriage work cannot and will not make God love me any more. He cannot love me any more or any less, and the freedom of discovering that is one of the most beautiful things I have ever felt.
It only took a week for me to get what He was trying to communicate to me, and thank God because the lunch I had at yard house today was so delicious. But let's be real, it's honestly taken 27 years to get me to realize that there is absolutely nothing I can do- no sin too great- that will make Him love me less, and there is nothing so fabulous I could do that will make Him love me more. I am His child, His beloved daughter who He fashioned and formed in His image, and the freedom that I have found the last few days of knowing that is absolutely breathtaking.
If you yourself haven't experienced that peace, know that you can. Just ask Him to show up, He always does, whether its 5 days, 40 days or 27 years.
Cheers to fasting and failure, because in both those things, I have found the most astounding and ravishing grace.
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