Desert Days

I'm back at work this week. Some of you may know that my job allows me a month off of paid vacation time. This time was sweet, it was treasured and I enjoyed it. I took a 10 day vacation to Florida with my husband's family, celebrated a dear friend as I stood beside her as she married a God fearing- selfless man, and I spent some days in San Diego with my best friend. It was needed, but I am grateful to be back to work.


However the title of this post is currently how I feel. These are desert days. Most certainly not because I am back at work, I absolutely love my job. These are desert days because people, life is hard and there are some days that I am not sure I know how to navigate it all. My story is one that even I am unsure of reading. I have had some tough days, where as my little sister would say "Kelly, you're being ugly." I struggle with anger, and some things in life have me pretty angry. I have a sweet friend who has been trying and trying to get pregnant, Doctors told her there was a high possibility she would never have babies. The girl finally gets pregnant, and the Doctor's have found fluid in the babies brain. Why Lord? Why?

I'm dealing with my own issues, and I have pain, hurt and devastation. I've been told I need to mourn what I thought my life would be. Like literally, someone told me to have a funeral for my expectations. {insert my anger} I had this beautiful picture of my life, my marriage, a family, etc. Let me tell you, nothing has gone according to plan, and I am angry about it. So I apparently need time to mourn the life I thought I would have, and have a funeral.

My headstone would read:

Here lies the life Kelly thought she would lead. A life without any disappointments, hurts or failures.
November 27, 1989- June 24, 2015

Pastor Matt would probably read a beautiful scripture about God's beautiful plans for my life, I would place flowers on my little box of expectations, and we move forward with my real life.

My real life that is full of hurts, pains, disappointments, battles, tears and questioning what God is doing. My life that has revealed so much ugly in Kelly, that I feel like Naomi in the bible. I need to get a new name that means bitter, because bitter is what I have become over the last couple years of my life.

I've been doing the Women in the Word study through she reads truth, and it's rocking my world. I am just like the women that I read about. I am broken, needy, a control freak, confused, full of sin and hurt. Each of these women are a classic case of "hot mess" and even though I am just like each of them, I am encouraged. God doesn't or want need my perfection. He does'nt give a rip about the perfect little plans I had for my life.

He wants my heart. He wants more of Him and less of me.

It hurts though, it hurts really bad. I won't lie, or sugar coat the pain I have endured. 
Maybe one day I will share my story, but friends it is still being written. I am encouraged, because Christ has carried me thus far, and He will continue to carry me. He holds my world in His hands. He holds my days, my future and every other thing I try to carry on my own. I need to learn that two people don't need to carry the same burden. Christ has promised to cast my burdens upon Himself, and He will carry me. I'm at the point in the "footprints in the sand" poem where there are only one set of footprints. For the first time in a long time, I am okay with it. 

Friends, what are your desert days? What expectations do you need to mourn? 

Praying this encourages at least one person.

My sweet mentor Tracy always says, "If I had to go through what I went through to encourage one person, it was worth it."

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