Not Pregnant

There are moments you wait for your whole life. Ones that seem to pause all of time for just a brief second, when all is right with the world. 

This post is not one about one of them.

A few weeks ago I thought that I was pregnant. 

I had some of the symptoms, and was late. I remember telling Jonny, "babe, I think I might be pregnant." He's so optimistic. "No, you can't be. WAIT.  Do you really think you are?" 

I was extremely anxious. I started planning how perfect it would be if I was pregnant. Jonny would even rub my tummy saying "If you're in there, I love you so much." But then I would doubt everything and it was just overwhelming.

We were in Texas with my family and I was trying to keep every emotional breakdown that I was having to myself. I was shopping with my mom and Jonny  at wal mart for some groceries and Jonny headed to the check out stand beforehand and got a pregnancy test. Bless his heart he bought the digital readout kind that cost like ten dollars. He had wrapped it up in three bags because in Texas they don't charge you 10 cents a bag like blessed california does. All the bags. Yes please. 

Also if my mother would have found out we bought a pregnancy test, all of wal mart would have known she was a grandma in .7 seconds. So needless to say, we kept it under wraps.

At that point I wasn't late yet, I was just experiencing some very emotional moments and had an inkling. Later that night, I peed on the stick and we waited. In our hotel bathroom together, with his arms wrapped around me, and his heart racing a million miles an hour. 

After what seems like 20 minutes, the digital readout read: 

NOT PREGNANT. 

It read loud and clear as if to tell me: "You're not ready. You? A mom. No! You still have some weight to lose before getting pregnant, and you aren't good enough to be a mom yet. Your marriage has gone through a lot you need to fix that before any baby comes into the picture. You Kelly Tillery are not pregnant." 

Man, I didn't know that pregnancy tests spoke so loudly. 

Now, I know. I know full well, and you have been warned too.

The hardest part was the internet. There's like 90 billion articles all with different information. 

"Trust your body." 

"I took 8 pregnancy tests and the 9th was positive." 

"You could have an ectopic pregnancy." 

"I was 6 weeks late before the pregnancy test read positive."

"I had 6 negative tests and then ran blood work with my doctor and now I'm 12 weeks with my second child." 

Blah. Blah Blah Blah Blah. 

I was placing so much unnecessary pressure on my body.

 My body has gone through a lot in the past 6 months with some anxiety spells here and there as well as losing and gaining weight due to some personal circumstances. For the moment I thought I was pregnant, I loved my body. It was going to bring me a baby, and my body was beautiful and I have child bearing hips and it didn't matter how much I weighed.

 Then reading the NOT PREGNANT on the pregnancy test, I instantly hated my body. It failed me, it didn't provide what I was hoping for, even though we were not trying to have a baby. 

Rules. I have so many for myself. It's painful. 

Upon the realization that I wasn't pregnant I wrestled through so much with Jesus. I wrestled with who He says He is. 

Who He says I am, and that my life has worth despite my sins, failures and mess ups. 

And that not being pregnant most certainly does not define who I am, regardless of what the pregnancy test screamed at me. 

Isn't that so like life? Inanimate objects, things, people we barely know, scream lies at us and we BELIEVE THEM. It drives me crazy. I know who I am. I know who's I am and yet I choose to believe the petty lies about my worth that a negative pregnancy test silently screamed at  me. Good grief. 

A few days later I turned 27 and it was every bit glorious as you would imagine. There were gold balloons, and cake and my favorite kind of ice cream, family and friends  and lots of wonderful gifts. 

I can't believe christmas is almost here. It's insane. 

In all honesty 2016 was my hardest year yet. I faced some terrible things I never thought in my lifetime I would have to face. By God's grace I am better for it, but I am ready for it to be over. I am ready for new. I am ready for change. I am ready for balance, because I am sure after reading this story you have a small glimpse of how unbalanced and emotionally unstable I am. 

Pray for my husband, all of you. 

God is good, and not just the casual "He uses all things for His glory" kind of good.

He is GOOD. It's in His very nature. He is sovereign and I know that when the time does come for that precious little Tillery baby, he/she will be covered in prayer and kisses because I will have been waiting, arms wide open.