Trade me Jesus
This last month has been BUSY.
Painfully busy. I run from one thing to the next. Last week, I rubbed my eyes in the afternoon and when I rubbed my lashes, no mascara came off. I looked to a friend and said "Do you see mascara on my eyelashes?" Her response was "no."
I laughed. I ran out of the house that morning with a full face of makeup and no mascara.
Mercy. Those are tell tale signs that someone is losing it. Eh-Hem.
I've been trying to wrap my mind around my life. What does my life mean? How do I leave an impact on this world when I feel so broken and so helpless? How have I functioned this summer in the midst of such pain and chaos? How do I move forward with the Kelly I was, the Kelly I am now, and the Kelly I want to be?
So many questions. Too deep for me to give enough time to actually process, seeing I can't even remember to put on mascara.
Last weekend we escaped to Lake Powell for me to breathe before the craziness of college students arriving back on campus for the fall semester. We drove all through the night on Friday to arrive early in the morning at the dock so someone could pick us up and take us to the houseboat. After we got through Vegas, there was lighting that would light up the sky so beautifully, and then pour down rain like buckets over our car. It was breathtaking. Then came the hail storm, it was nuts. Middle of the night. Barely anyone on the road, just big trucks, lighting and hail. Jonny and I didn't talk much, we just listened to the rain pound on the windshield, hands intertwined for safety, ya know.
I thought about God, in all His power and all His might, to light up the sky, control the wind and the waves. If He is so great, and such a mighty God, and powerful Healer, why won't He take away this pain. Why does it still hurt so much. What is purpose of the pain?
Again, more questions that I don't have time to process.
In all honesty, I don't even want the answers. I don't want to know why He is allowing me to walk through this journey. It would just reveal that my fear is bigger than my faith, and He wants more for me. He wants my heart and He wants to replace my fears with an ever present reminder that He is faithful, even when I am faithless. (2 Timothy 2:13)
The problem is, I know He is faithful. I know He is good. I know He loves me and has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I know that. My heart knows it.
I just wish someone would translate it to the lies that scream in my head.
...
We were wrapping up our brief 48 hours on Lake Powell, and I was on the jet ski with Jonny. He was driving, and I was holding on for dear life. At Lake Powell, there are the most glorious mountains, It's just incredible. We were going to be on the lake for about an hour before arriving back at the dock. I was looking at the mountains and I felt the Holy Spirit say to me "Leave it here. Leave your summer here, leave it in My hands. Drop all the pieces at the foot of the cross."
As the water splashed in my face, I agreed. "Okay Lord, I'll do it. I'll leave it all here. I give you all my pain, all my disappointments, my expectations and my questions. I'll leave them here."
We had a pact. Me and God. I felt good about it too. Exchanging my pain for his peace. I was ready, carrying the weight of my pain all summer has been wearing on me.
That precious pact lasted about 17 minutes.
As soon as I got in the car and we drove away from the lake, I got scared. I couldn't leave my summer and all that had happened at the lake. It was too much for Him to ask of me. I wasn't ready.
I started crying and Jonny looked at me like a crazy woman. Tears, from nowhere.
"Lord, its too much to ask of me. I'm not ready to do that." I told Him.
In a matter of 3 minutes and 42 seconds, I picked up all the pieces of my summer that I had laid at the foot of the cross, and I grabbed them back in my two little hands, and ran away.
I saw myself running from the cross, picking up pieces that were falling out of my hands on the way, making sure I didn't leave anything behind. I ran, back to my comfort of sorrow, pain and bitterness.
I saw Him there too. He watched me take back all the pieces. He didn't stop me. He just watched me.
The internal dialogue ended, and the tears continued for a while.
It was crazy intense, and I haven't necessarily shared it with anyone, because it doesn't sound believable. That's fine, it was real for me. A real moment with my Savior and I, as He watched me run from Him with all my brokenness still in hand.
He still held my peace, I still held my bitterness. I couldn't exchange the two. Didn't He know I wasn't ready? Didn't He know what He was asking?
I've wrestled with this ever since I got home. 9 days. 9 days of trying to process and ask God for forgiveness for picking up what I promised to leave at the cross. I've tried to wrap my mind around Him there at the cross watching me, and not stopping me. He knows that His peace would change this whole ordeal. It would change everything for me.
But He also knows that I am stubborn and need grace. He knows I need Him, and His love. He knows He can't force me to leave it. He can only soften my heart with grace, love and forgiveness, and wait for me to bring the pieces back to the cross for the 900th time and ask Him to trade me.
That's my hearts new prayer.
Come and change everything.
I know you can, I know that a simple trade would change it all, just give me faith.
I believe Lord, Help my unbelief. ( Mark 9:24)
Painfully busy. I run from one thing to the next. Last week, I rubbed my eyes in the afternoon and when I rubbed my lashes, no mascara came off. I looked to a friend and said "Do you see mascara on my eyelashes?" Her response was "no."
I laughed. I ran out of the house that morning with a full face of makeup and no mascara.
Mercy. Those are tell tale signs that someone is losing it. Eh-Hem.
I've been trying to wrap my mind around my life. What does my life mean? How do I leave an impact on this world when I feel so broken and so helpless? How have I functioned this summer in the midst of such pain and chaos? How do I move forward with the Kelly I was, the Kelly I am now, and the Kelly I want to be?
So many questions. Too deep for me to give enough time to actually process, seeing I can't even remember to put on mascara.
Last weekend we escaped to Lake Powell for me to breathe before the craziness of college students arriving back on campus for the fall semester. We drove all through the night on Friday to arrive early in the morning at the dock so someone could pick us up and take us to the houseboat. After we got through Vegas, there was lighting that would light up the sky so beautifully, and then pour down rain like buckets over our car. It was breathtaking. Then came the hail storm, it was nuts. Middle of the night. Barely anyone on the road, just big trucks, lighting and hail. Jonny and I didn't talk much, we just listened to the rain pound on the windshield, hands intertwined for safety, ya know.
I thought about God, in all His power and all His might, to light up the sky, control the wind and the waves. If He is so great, and such a mighty God, and powerful Healer, why won't He take away this pain. Why does it still hurt so much. What is purpose of the pain?
Again, more questions that I don't have time to process.
In all honesty, I don't even want the answers. I don't want to know why He is allowing me to walk through this journey. It would just reveal that my fear is bigger than my faith, and He wants more for me. He wants my heart and He wants to replace my fears with an ever present reminder that He is faithful, even when I am faithless. (2 Timothy 2:13)
The problem is, I know He is faithful. I know He is good. I know He loves me and has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I know that. My heart knows it.
I just wish someone would translate it to the lies that scream in my head.
...
We were wrapping up our brief 48 hours on Lake Powell, and I was on the jet ski with Jonny. He was driving, and I was holding on for dear life. At Lake Powell, there are the most glorious mountains, It's just incredible. We were going to be on the lake for about an hour before arriving back at the dock. I was looking at the mountains and I felt the Holy Spirit say to me "Leave it here. Leave your summer here, leave it in My hands. Drop all the pieces at the foot of the cross."
As the water splashed in my face, I agreed. "Okay Lord, I'll do it. I'll leave it all here. I give you all my pain, all my disappointments, my expectations and my questions. I'll leave them here."
We had a pact. Me and God. I felt good about it too. Exchanging my pain for his peace. I was ready, carrying the weight of my pain all summer has been wearing on me.
That precious pact lasted about 17 minutes.
As soon as I got in the car and we drove away from the lake, I got scared. I couldn't leave my summer and all that had happened at the lake. It was too much for Him to ask of me. I wasn't ready.
I started crying and Jonny looked at me like a crazy woman. Tears, from nowhere.
"Lord, its too much to ask of me. I'm not ready to do that." I told Him.
In a matter of 3 minutes and 42 seconds, I picked up all the pieces of my summer that I had laid at the foot of the cross, and I grabbed them back in my two little hands, and ran away.
I saw myself running from the cross, picking up pieces that were falling out of my hands on the way, making sure I didn't leave anything behind. I ran, back to my comfort of sorrow, pain and bitterness.
I saw Him there too. He watched me take back all the pieces. He didn't stop me. He just watched me.
The internal dialogue ended, and the tears continued for a while.
It was crazy intense, and I haven't necessarily shared it with anyone, because it doesn't sound believable. That's fine, it was real for me. A real moment with my Savior and I, as He watched me run from Him with all my brokenness still in hand.
He still held my peace, I still held my bitterness. I couldn't exchange the two. Didn't He know I wasn't ready? Didn't He know what He was asking?
I've wrestled with this ever since I got home. 9 days. 9 days of trying to process and ask God for forgiveness for picking up what I promised to leave at the cross. I've tried to wrap my mind around Him there at the cross watching me, and not stopping me. He knows that His peace would change this whole ordeal. It would change everything for me.
But He also knows that I am stubborn and need grace. He knows I need Him, and His love. He knows He can't force me to leave it. He can only soften my heart with grace, love and forgiveness, and wait for me to bring the pieces back to the cross for the 900th time and ask Him to trade me.
That's my hearts new prayer.
Come and change everything.
I know you can, I know that a simple trade would change it all, just give me faith.
I believe Lord, Help my unbelief. ( Mark 9:24)
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