Confessions From a Verbal Processor

Why God made me this way... I will never understand. I literally need to verbally process EVERYTHING. The price of oranges at Trader Joes. Why that guy in the Tesla cut me off? Why for the life of me, no matter how much preparation I put into making dinner, it will never all be finished at the same time. The chicken takes too long, and the Brussel sprouts are done in .5 seconds.

It literally baffles me. My poor husband eats in segments. First the veggies, then 10 minutes later the potatoes, and a half hour later the chicken. If it's done.

 I know, I know, you're probably going to tell me "Kelly, put the chicken in a half hour before everything else." Well that is the PROBLEM-- I DO, and it still takes 9 hours for dinner. Bleh. Chick Fil A for dinner it is.


 "Why am I like this? Why did you make me this way?" I begged the Lord this morning at 6am in my devotional time. "Why isn't my husband a better listener? Why didn't you make him a better listener? Didn't you know we would get married and I would NEED someone to listen to my every detail?"
I pleaded over my warm cup of coffee. I even went so far as to literally write these words on the page,
 "If he was a better listener, I wouldn't feel this way because I would be able to verbally process EVERYTHING with him."

Then I crossed those words out in my journal and asked the Lord to forgive me. How quickly I blame others for my struggles. I put my pen down, sipped my coffee, and Jesus came close.

I heard a tender whisper..

"Child, I made you this way. I made you specifically wired in certain ways so that you would need me. I want you to process every detail of your life with me, because I care for you. When others wont listen, I will. I am always here for you. I did not create you to be dependent on others for things they cannot give you. I made you to need me. If your husband was a perfect listener, you may not want to share every detail of your life on these pages with me. I have created you in my Image, you are wonderful, beautiful and precious to me. Do not be bogged down by the cares of this world, instead run to me, for I am always here for you. My yoke is easy & my burden is light. Do not expect of others, what only I can give to you. Press into me through your discouragement, questions, doubt and fear, for I am here. Go throughout your day entrusting the details of your heart and your life to me, for your are deeply loved."

Tears filled my eyes as the realization hit that I am so loved and cared for.
Oh how He loves His children.

I filled my journal with prayers asking for forgiveness for my struggles, my sin, my pride, anger and for missing Him.

 I miss Him because I am so lost in the details of what isn't there that I miss Him, always there. Patiently waiting for me to come running to His arms.

I know this will always be a struggle of mine, but I know that He loves me, and always wants to teach me more. He wants to teach me about Himself. He wants me to know Him. He wants me to process my life with Him close, tenderly speaking truth in a world so full of lies.

Now I need to text my husband and ask for forgiveness. The poor guy just wants to eat his dinner in peace without me bombarding him with my minute by minute play by play of my day.

 
How about you? Are you a verbal processor? What are some things that you do to process your thoughts?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not Pregnant

There are moments you wait for your whole life. Ones that seem to pause all of time for just a brief second, when all is right with the world.  This post is not one about one of them. A few weeks ago I thought that I was pregnant.  I had some of the symptoms, and was late. I remember telling Jonny, "babe, I think I might be pregnant." He's so optimistic. "No, you can't be. WAIT.  Do you really think you are?"  I was extremely anxious. I started planning how perfect it would be if I was pregnant. Jonny would even rub my tummy saying "If you're in there, I love you so much." But then I would doubt everything and it was just overwhelming. We were in Texas with my family and I was trying to keep every emotional breakdown that I was having to myself. I was shopping with my mom and Jonny  at wal mart for some groceries and Jonny headed to the check out stand beforehand and got a pregnancy test. Bless his heart he bought the digit...
Read more

Thursday Morning Walks

For the past year or so I have walked on thursday mornings with friends. Two beauties in particular who walk the 1.72 miles around the block with me. We meet around 7 in the morning so that we can still have time to get ready for work and the day ahead. Usually we text each other the night before and make sure that we are still on for the next morning, to make sure that we aren't sick or need extra sleep due to the craziness of life. I've come to find that these Thursday mornings are precious to me. As the sun creeps through the trees, and wind gently blows in our faces we connect in a way that we may not have if we didn't wake before the sunrise to meet each other and walk. The girls I walk with, I've known for years. I've known them as young women entering college. I've mentored them, they've mentored me. We've cried together, we've laughed together, we have lived life together. I've watched them date the men they are married to now, I went...
Read more

A 3 Year Old Ring

Image
A few years ago on January 26, it was raining. It was cold and blustery. I remember wanting to wear a dress to a combined birthday party for my husband and nephew.  However due to the rain, I had to wear jeans & a coral sweater. I was frustrated, but #life. I remember showing up and being disappointing that it wasn't a surprise engagement party. I remember my friend said " Not everything is about you." The party was fun! If you know the Tillery's you know they go big for parties! Catered food, a live band, heck even a photographer to capture every bite of cake my nephew puts in his mouth. The rain had kept most of us inside, or inside my father in law's wine cave. Yes, you read right, he has a cave full of wine- of course there are other things, but mostly wine. The sun had begun peeking through the clouds in the later part of the afternoon, and my mom and dad decided to head home so they could miss the next onset of rain and make it home sa...
Read more