When the Past Drops in to Say Hello
This morning I was in a rush, I was late to getting to my workout class and I was just not in the best of morning moods. (who even has a good morning mood to begin with?)
I saw something, and asked my husband (in an accusatory manner) assuming he had done something wrong without even giving him the opportunity to answer.
I used to live that way. I used to watch his eyes, and watch his every move to make sure that he was living up to my precious standards, and when he fell short of them, I made sure to remind him. It was gut wrenching and it stole my joy. Every. Single. Day. I actually never even knew I could feel the freedom I feel now, I always thought I would live that way. By God's grace He rescued me out of that mouse wheel of watching, waiting for him to fail me, failing me, and then crucifying him for failing me.
The whole morning I had a pit in my stomach, I knew what it was from immediately as I walked out the door because I used to live this way daily. I hadn't felt that way in so long that it felt like a cloud of fear was following me. Fear. Gut wrenching fear. It is the absolute worst. We live in fear of people failing us, because if they fail us, somehow that means that we aren't worthy or enough, or they wouldn't have failed us in the first place. It becomes like a garment that we always wear- Fear. The nice overcoat that fits so well with every outfit. It starts to fit so well that we don't know how to live without it. Or some of us choose to never take it off, we are too scared of what that might mean. Lord knows I know I was.
A few months back though, I had to get rid of fear. I had to. Fear was so heavy I almost gave up on everything.
My job, my marriage, my well being.
By God's grace He saved me from fear, and gave me so much hope and faith that I live without fear on (almost) a daily basis now.
Who woulda thought?
When we finally learn to live without fear, we know EXACTLY when we have it again. It's this heaviness that is so overbearing we will do anything to get it off.
I text Jonny begging him to forgive me, because I needed to be forgiven. I had wronged my husband, most likely offended him and probably hurt his feelings all before 6am. Awesome.
(He's probably laughing because his hurt feelings meter only really spikes when the chargers lose, or I burn dinner)
Isn't my job to encourage him, love him and build him up?
I apoligized for my comments, and my accusatory statements. I told him that my stomach hurt and it was hard to focus at crossfit because I felt bad. I felt like the old me, and I didn't like it- at all.
The past few months have been revealing so much of my heart, my mind, and the way I act.
Sometimes when we are trying to heal, we have to dig up some pretty ugly crap in the process so we can be fully healed. I want(ed) full healing which meant asking God to refine me, wash me white as snow, and make me more like Him and less like me.
I never knew how hard it would be.
I also never knew how rewarding it would be.
I've never known so much freedom.
It's a daily battle of fighting who I used to be, the way I thought & acted, versus being aware of my thoughts, and taking full responsibility for my actions and not blaming them on someone else, or their sin. I think I have said "I'm Sorry, I was wrong, will you forgive me?" more in the past 5 months than in my entire life.
Mercy that is embarrasing.
After apologizing and receiving grace from Jonny, he gently reminded me that we have come so far. The fights we used to have, the blame games we used to play, the hurt, the tears, the lack of forgiveness we had for each other, it's all a thing of the past. It's good to be reminded of the past every now and then so that we can praise God for the grace He lavishes on us so we can grow, and not be who we used to be.Also, when I have any sort of reminder of the past, it lights a fire in me to fight even harder for joy, purity, grace and forgiveness on a daily basis.
These are the kind of days that even though are hard, I am so grateful for. I am grateful for grace. I am grateful for the cross and Christ's perfect sacrifice. I am grateful that he was humble and perfect and yet was gracious and merciful to all who needed it.
I am grateful that He allows us second chances. Heck third, fourth and hundred chances.
He never ever gives up on us.
So even though the past showed up this morning to say hello, I exchanged a quick hello and reminded the old me of who I have become, and asked the past to leave just as quickly as it came.
It's gonna be a great day friends, there is rain in the forecast and I am wearing my bright shiny red rainboots!
Happy Friday friends, live in the abundant beauty of God's grace today!
I saw something, and asked my husband (in an accusatory manner) assuming he had done something wrong without even giving him the opportunity to answer.
I used to live that way. I used to watch his eyes, and watch his every move to make sure that he was living up to my precious standards, and when he fell short of them, I made sure to remind him. It was gut wrenching and it stole my joy. Every. Single. Day. I actually never even knew I could feel the freedom I feel now, I always thought I would live that way. By God's grace He rescued me out of that mouse wheel of watching, waiting for him to fail me, failing me, and then crucifying him for failing me.
The whole morning I had a pit in my stomach, I knew what it was from immediately as I walked out the door because I used to live this way daily. I hadn't felt that way in so long that it felt like a cloud of fear was following me. Fear. Gut wrenching fear. It is the absolute worst. We live in fear of people failing us, because if they fail us, somehow that means that we aren't worthy or enough, or they wouldn't have failed us in the first place. It becomes like a garment that we always wear- Fear. The nice overcoat that fits so well with every outfit. It starts to fit so well that we don't know how to live without it. Or some of us choose to never take it off, we are too scared of what that might mean. Lord knows I know I was.
A few months back though, I had to get rid of fear. I had to. Fear was so heavy I almost gave up on everything.
My job, my marriage, my well being.
By God's grace He saved me from fear, and gave me so much hope and faith that I live without fear on (almost) a daily basis now.
Who woulda thought?
When we finally learn to live without fear, we know EXACTLY when we have it again. It's this heaviness that is so overbearing we will do anything to get it off.
I text Jonny begging him to forgive me, because I needed to be forgiven. I had wronged my husband, most likely offended him and probably hurt his feelings all before 6am. Awesome.
(He's probably laughing because his hurt feelings meter only really spikes when the chargers lose, or I burn dinner)
Isn't my job to encourage him, love him and build him up?
I apoligized for my comments, and my accusatory statements. I told him that my stomach hurt and it was hard to focus at crossfit because I felt bad. I felt like the old me, and I didn't like it- at all.
The past few months have been revealing so much of my heart, my mind, and the way I act.
Sometimes when we are trying to heal, we have to dig up some pretty ugly crap in the process so we can be fully healed. I want(ed) full healing which meant asking God to refine me, wash me white as snow, and make me more like Him and less like me.
I never knew how hard it would be.
I also never knew how rewarding it would be.
I've never known so much freedom.
It's a daily battle of fighting who I used to be, the way I thought & acted, versus being aware of my thoughts, and taking full responsibility for my actions and not blaming them on someone else, or their sin. I think I have said "I'm Sorry, I was wrong, will you forgive me?" more in the past 5 months than in my entire life.
Mercy that is embarrasing.
After apologizing and receiving grace from Jonny, he gently reminded me that we have come so far. The fights we used to have, the blame games we used to play, the hurt, the tears, the lack of forgiveness we had for each other, it's all a thing of the past. It's good to be reminded of the past every now and then so that we can praise God for the grace He lavishes on us so we can grow, and not be who we used to be.Also, when I have any sort of reminder of the past, it lights a fire in me to fight even harder for joy, purity, grace and forgiveness on a daily basis.
These are the kind of days that even though are hard, I am so grateful for. I am grateful for grace. I am grateful for the cross and Christ's perfect sacrifice. I am grateful that he was humble and perfect and yet was gracious and merciful to all who needed it.
I am grateful that He allows us second chances. Heck third, fourth and hundred chances.
He never ever gives up on us.
So even though the past showed up this morning to say hello, I exchanged a quick hello and reminded the old me of who I have become, and asked the past to leave just as quickly as it came.
It's gonna be a great day friends, there is rain in the forecast and I am wearing my bright shiny red rainboots!
Happy Friday friends, live in the abundant beauty of God's grace today!
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