So Long to the Try Hard Life

Today's blog is sponsored by the lovely voice of Jenn Johnson & Bethel worship, alongside the Jillian Michaels detox water sitting on my desk half drunk. Drank? I don't know. I'm no English major. Clearly.

The past few days have been a real struggle for me. I've wanted to sleep, and hide from the world. I kind of succeeded at it, until our community group time last night. I just need to take a moment, I want to thank, {by name} the beautiful people in our community group~
Beej & TK ~ Hannah & Joey ~ Jamal & Christine ~ Stephany & Shane ~  
Mark & Reba ~ Mandy & Gregg. 
Each of you have abundantly blessed me in this season of my life. The girls have prayed without ceasing for this weary heart and I am not sure I could do without them. They are a blessing that neither Jonny or I expected. I love every moment we spend laughing together, praying together and reading and discussing God's word together. Each moment is so precious to me, and I am deeply grateful for the love you have poured over Jonny and I. 

I am not sure what my deal is, except that God is at work in this heart of mine. He is stretching it, challenging it as well as breaking it. He is breaking it for my good, and His glory. My whole life I have lived one way. I've worked my way for my salvation. I always feel like I need to give back to God. I need to sing, I need to lead, I have to mentor and work work work to earn my salvation. It got me far for a little while. Actually a long while... 25 years.  Let me tell you- 25 exhausting years.

However, even though I know I don't need to earn my salvation, I still feel like I need to, and I think God has had enough of me "trying." So He's pretty much stripped me of everything that I can "try" at, and whispered in my ear.."stop trying sweet child of Mine. I love you, and that is enough." It hurts, I want to say to Him, "Lord, my way is so much better." Because you see, when I try, and I work for my salvation, I usually see results. I see people come to Christ, or others blessed by my voice, or words of wisdom. Tangible results of my hard work. Then I hear a voice in my head.. "My child my ways are not your ways, and my thoughts are not your thoughts." It hurts. I don't like to hear that. My ways seem pretty great, in my own eyes. Still, I am here, empty handed with nothing to try at, nothing to work hard at to bring to God. All I have is broken heart, which is all He really wants. 

Psalm 51:17
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

I've tried to earn my way, bring my rubies before Jesus and say, "Look Lord, look at all these things I have done in your name, look at me, don't I make you proud?" I've always been that way. My parents have home videos of me yelling at the camera "DAAAAD!!! Look at me!! Watch me!!! Look at what I did!! Look at what I made!!!!" Poor man. {Side note- Mom and Dad- you are simply the best} I've always wanted to make my parents and Jesus proud. Where this comes from, well... it's pride. Dangit. I hate my pride. Pride has gotten me here. Lonely, broken and with nothing to bring before Jesus but my heart that is in desperate need of healing from its old ways. 

I am encouraged. I am reminded that in ALL things He is good. 
Though my heart and flesh may fail, He is my lot and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

This try hard life, like I mentioned before is exhausting. I got real good at it, and now I'm just pooped. I've got nothing to give, and I am learning to be okay with that. I am learning to let God be God. Which is quite the burden to carry if you think about it. Mercy. The Lord is so gracious to us, even when it hurts. Let me tell you it hurts, my heart aches over all of this. However He whispers to me, He sings over me, He carries me. Tears fill my eyes, at the thought of how deeply He loves me. I am so undeserving of His love. He wants me to know the freedom of walking on the waves. He wants all my trust in Him, and not in my abilities to make him proud. Gosh this awakening in my heart is so huge, it feels like it might burst. For now, I just want to run to His arms empty handed. I have nothing to bring, nothing to give, just a song of thanks for Him loving me enough to not allow me to stay the same. 

Speaking of running, today I was running during the Crossfit workout that we had. I wanted to give up. I hate loathe running. I stopped to walk {Sorry Charlie} and the Holy Spirit just flooded my body. I heard " My child, I love you. I know you are tired, walk a few more steps, and start running. I will give you strength. Stop trying to do it all on your own. I will carry you." You know what? He did. He made my legs like... well they didn't even feel like my legs. This afternoon, they feel like my legs, tired and stronger for running that 800m... but man alive, when we call on Him, He answers. He rescues, He redeems. He saves. 

I can't even contain the Joy I have today. I know He is at work in my life, and it excites me. I know I have a long way to go. I will never ever stop growing, learning or falling in love with Jesus. This process will be lifelong, and some seasons better than others. But satan, watch out, the girl you've been trying to wear down, steal, kill and destroy-  is on the mend. She's gonna kick you in the freakin' teeth. You've done some good work for a while. I'll give you that. I will acknowledge that you are good at what you do. However, I will NOT let you win. Christ is strong in me. Much stronger than you will ever be. I've already won this battle, and all glory {which used to go to me} will now go to Him who is worthy of all the glory, honor & praise, forever, and ever. Amen.

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