The truth.

Truth is, I'm tired. Not physically, or spiritually, but mentally & emotionally.
Truth is, I'm not satisfied. I desire so much more in this life. I'm not content, and it drives me bonkers when everyone keeps telling me to "just be content." Because quite frankly I am not content with a lot of things in my life. There are so many things I wish that I could change.
Truth is, I don't feel understood. I fell like I can talk to people and they hear me, but they don't understand me. Except for my mom & dad (those two are saints, and Tracy, she is God send.)
Truth is I miss leading worship at my old church. I miss the freedom that came from singing at the top of my lungs with every ounce of energy that I had to give back to the Lord.Then hearing people worshiping with me. Gosh those were beautiful days.
Truth is, I've noticed myself becoming more and more judgmental & cynical, and I hate it.
Truth is, I've changed, and I don't know where I went. I've gained weight, lost sight of who I am meant to be, and don't like who I am. I don't know how to love the reflection in the mirror. I am her own worst enemy.
Truth is, marriage is frickin hard.That's all I am saying about that.
Truth is, I miss the old me. The confident me. The brave me. The sweet, non-judgmental me. The me who didn't mind if a couple of extra pounds showed up on the scale. Now I cringe at the thought of the number that just seems to increase with each hardship.
Truth is, I don't know how to find her, I feel like she was great, she was to be respected & cherished and the new me is just fearful, afraid & hurt.
Truth is, I need Jesus. Not just I need him, but I depend on Him. I depend on Him to redeem this hot mess of a woman who has lost herself in the midst of the storm. I depend on Him to be who He says He is.
Truth is, He's never left my side. I can trust Him. He is good.
Truth is, I know that even though I don't really know who I am, or what God is doing, I can trust Him.
Truth is, I want a baby. I want something to hold, love, snuggle, take care of, kiss & lather down with baby lotion, simply because it smells like springtime & lavender goodness. I want to raise that baby to know and love Jesus. I want to experience their childlike faith in hopes that it will help my own faith that seems so shaky.
Truth be told, I really don't know what I want. I think I do, but I really don't. Tomorrow will come & I will hear a screaming baby at the mall, and swear that I am not going to have a child for 5 years.

Truth is, I am a hot stinking mess of tears, sleepless nights, loud music & long drives & confusion as to why I am on this journey. Yet, I cling to the truth that He won't forsake me. Ever. he will redeem me. He has called me His own.


Side Note: I  found this today. I teared up. This girl was homecoming queen, not based off popularity, but based off the simple fact of, well I don't even know. I just know this girl, she is so full of life. This girl, she is inside me, I just need grow back into her.

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